Just like adults, kids can have a difficult time coping with stress too. Let’s be patient and help them feel heard.
PHOTO: UNSPLASH
The mental and emotional wellbeing of our children has been in the news recently. How can we look out for them and their welfare? Here to Play spoke with Focus on the Family Singapore about how we can strengthen the mental and emotional health of our children.
Focus on the Family Singapore Limited is a local charity with Institution of Public Character (IPC) status dedicated to helping families thrive. With an emphasis on marriages and parent-child relationships, the organisation offers family life education, including differentiated programmes, resources and counselling for families and organisations.
Spotting tell-tale signs
Is it possible to tell if your child is just having a rough day or if he or she is having difficulty coping? Yes, you can, according to Susan Koh, a family life specialist with Focus on the Family Singapore.
“Parents play a critical role in developing children’s mental and emotional wellbeing. If you notice something amiss, tune in closely and ask how they are doing,” says Susan.
Children who are going through a tough time may exhibit behavioural changes, such as withdrawing from interactions with friends and family, and seem to be unmotivated and disinterested in regular activities. They may struggle to cope with everyday stressors, resulting in anxiety or compulsive behaviours.
Stress and anxiety can also manifest psychosomatically as headaches, aches and pains, indigestion, or difficulty breathing.
Susan shares that the tell-tale signs among teens are similar to those of young children. However, parents of teens may also notice their child expressing a sense of hopelessness and worthlessness or posting pessimistic messages on social media, along with reduced productivity and poor eating habits.
What family members can do
Children and teenagers who are struggling mentally or emotionally may not actively reach out for help. If you notice signs that your child is not coping well, follow your instinct and start an honest conversation with them. An adult can share his or her observations, like, “I’ve noticed that you’re staying in your room more often these days and hardly come out. I want you to know I am here for you if you want to talk.”
Don’t be discouraged if they refuse your support. Susan highlights that we should keep trying. “The most important thing is to be an available listening ear when they are ready to talk. When they come to you, be a safe space for them. While listening, try to find out how they are coping and whether they have explored any other resources to help them with their troubles. If they need additional support, encourage them to seek help from a counsellor.”
Susan recognises that parents at times may be at a loss when their children refuse help, and recommends families to participate in Focus on the Family Singapore’s Stronger with Family initiative, which aims to support parents, who are the first line of defence for their child’s emotional and mental well-being. In this initiative, parents can also work with a parent coach to learn how they can better build their children’s resilience in the face of setbacks.
Important do’s and don’t’s
Our children need our quality time and attention. While children may not be able to fully articulate what they are going through, parents can take the initiative to start the conversation. Distressed teens too might become withdrawn and share less with their family than usual.
It’s important to keep the lines of communication open. As parents, we need to be patient as children may not always be ready to talk or know how to express how they are feeling. Give them time to gather their thoughts and let them know you are there for them. Allow them to give scaled answers to start the ball rolling. You can ask questions like,
“Do you think this situation is too difficult for you to handle by yourself?” You can ask them to respond on a scale of one to five, one being “strongly agree” and five being “strongly disagree.”
In the same vein, Susan points out that we should not minimise the feelings of our children. We might unknowingly do this when we say something like “things aren’t so bad.” Instead of acknowledging their feelings and replying with empathy, these remarks might make them feel like they are not being taken seriously. Do not give advice the moment the conversation starts and do not try to solve their problems immediately. Do give them your full attention, which includes body language like eye contact.
Susan also acknowledges that difficult conversations can be tricky if parent and child have not been conversing regularly but encourages parents to take the first step, with gentleness and empathy.
Tips for relieving stress
The good news is, there’s a lot we can do to help our children lighten their burdens.
“Stress is our body’s way of preparing us to handle something we perceive to be difficult or painful. To help children de-stress, parents can remind them to exercise regularly, eat a balanced diet, observe a good sleep routine, and take breaks from stressful situations. Break larger tasks down into smaller tasks and make a plan to tackle them. Set limits on screen time and social media consumption,” Susan comments.
She notes that parents can teach their children to recognise their stress triggers and guide them towards reducing or managing stress. “Many times, unhealthy stress may result from a prolonged negative mindset. Parents can help children to reframe their situations with helpful thinking to prevent the brewing of negative thoughts,” she observes.
“Avoid responding with clichés that trivialise their feelings, such as “just stay positive” or “you have no reason to be upset.” Instead, focus on what is present rather than what is absent. For example, you can say, “Even though you didn’t make it to the team, your skills were noticed by the coach and you can join the next try out.”
If you are unsure of how to support your children, Susan recommends asking them how they think you can help, as children need the belief and trust of their parents as they work out their issues.
All children face unique challenges and need our support in order to grow healthily. We hope these tips will help you bond with your children and assure them that they are heard and understood.
This year’s Children’s Day campaign by Focus on the Family Singapore, encourages parents to rediscover the joys of parenting and spend quality time with children. Building a strong foundation of a healthy parent-child relationship will help children feel more secure turning to their parents for support when faced with tough situations.
